Real Finnish Winter
(A Story in a Finnish Daily in January 2003, translated by Seppo Tella)
In Russian Carelia, people suffer because of freezing weather, while
Finnish people are dying to have some more:
+15 degrees C: In Spain, people start wearing winter clothes and
gloves. Finnish people continue to bask in the sun.
+10C: The French try desperately to switch on their central heating systems.
Finns plant flowers in their gardens.
+5C: Italian cars refuse to start. Finns drive around in open-top cars.
0C: Water freezes. Water in Finnish lakes continues to flow as
smoothly as ever.
-5C: Californians struggle against death from exposure. Finns
organise BBQs in their gardens.
-10C: British people start heating their houses. Finns start wearing
long-sleeve shirts.
-20C: Austrians fly to Mallorca. Finns celebrate Midsummer Night:
autumn has arrived.
-30C: Greeks start dying out of cold and disappear completely.
Finnish people start taking showers inside.
-40C: Paris collapses under the burden of "les grands froids". Finns
queue up at the sausage kiosks.
-50C: Polar bears must be saved from the North Pole. The Finnish Army
postpones its winter exercise because of mild weather.
-60C: Korvatunturi (the home of Father Christmas) freezes. Finnish
people rent videos and stay inside watching them.
-70C: Father Christmas moves south. Finnish people are concerned
about not being able to keep their bottles of vodka out of doors. The
Finnish Army starts their winter exercise.
-183C: Food microbes are destroyed. Finnish cows complain about their
milkers having cold hands.
-273C: Atoms freeze. The Finns only remark that it is perkele cold outside.
-300C: Hell freezes. Finns win the Eurovision song contest.
